I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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