What did we do last night that was yellow?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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