I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
