my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
