wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I need to align my fucking chakras
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
