i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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