Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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