I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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