Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
