I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
