Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
