If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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