we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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