I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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