a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
