Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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