I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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