Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
