I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
