After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
