i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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