Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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