Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Randomize
