my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
