wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
