Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
