I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
