so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
