so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
