my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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