yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
