the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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