I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You're like the curious george of whores
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
