i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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