Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
