I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
