By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
whose ass print is on the piano?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
