he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just gargled with NyQuil
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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