Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
