As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
