Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
