if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
