five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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