So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
