Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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