He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
