after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think your dad took our porno
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
