All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
