I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
