Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
